Dating: An Aspie Girl's Minefield

You have no idea how emotionally exhausted we can become, and how hard it can be to connect with people, especially when it comes to dating.

I am 26 years old and have never been in a long-term romantic relationship.

Here’s why…

Whenever I meet a guy I like, there is a process that goes through my brain.  In order to understand the differences, let’s first look at a Neuro-Typical’s brain, someone without Asperger’s.

The situation?  A girl sees a guy she likes across a room. (Reminder: This is my own personal perspective. It is not a blueprint for every girl with Aspergers!)

Here’s a Neurotypical’s (NT) reaction: 

So, the girl sees the guy.  He’s cute.  And funny.  And seems to like some of the same things as her.  Great! So, she sits next to him and his friends, and then maybe brings up a topic they have in common.  He makes a joke, she laughs.  He smiles.  Her brain goes, good job! and she can somehow understand that he might like her, too, because look!  He’s leaning a little in her direction, he’s making eye contact, and, hey! How about that, he brings up another topic of conversation! That means he wants to continue talking to her! Yes!  The guy reads her eye contact and he knows she’s interested, making him confident to move the conversation along.  They talk for a few minutes and when they’re done, she thinks, Yes! I just met someone awesome and his name is Joe!

Here’s that same situation, but with an Asperger’s girl:  

She sees the guy.  He’s cute.  And funny.  And seems to like the same things as her.  Great! That means it’s too good to be true.  So…she looks at him from a corner of the room, and tries to stay hidden until she can be certain that he’s not there with someone else.  But even if there’s no one there, there’s no way that he’d be interested.  Maybe she plucks up the courage to sit next to him.  But then stays silent.  He’s with his friends, and she can’t see an opening to say a word in edgewise.  Finally, after a long while of just awkwardly sitting there, she says something.  He gives her a look and replies.  She notices none of the body language, even as they laugh over a small joke, and quickly averts her eyes when he looks at her because ‘...who stares directly at another person? isn’t that just weird and uncomfortable?’  The guy notices how she shifts and averts her eyes when he looks at her, and so the conversation ends awkwardly.  

She stands up and says something like nice to meet you and then walks away, thinking, Crap, I think he liked me, but now I’m not so sure, and I can’t even remember his name, Crap!

See the difference?

There is an inherent anxiety when it comes to socializing for young women with Asperger’s because all of it requires subtext or reading between the lines, and that means understanding body language and other meanings to simple, innocuous phrases that seem to be straight forward, but mean something entirely different!

We feel like this most of the time, and so we learn how to stay quiet and absorb as much information as possible before speaking...which is dangerous when it's someone we like, because we'll want to gather as much data as possible to ensure our chances of success.

Which means reading through their entire past on Facebook in order to figure out just who they are because we're fairly certain that we'll never get far enough to actually ask them about their life, so we want to be prepared, you know, just in case.

And we promise that we're not stalking you.

Honest.

We're just trying to be socially prepared.

Because of our disadvantage of being unable to read body language and pick up on non-verbal cues, it is much harder for us to flirt and to date. If you can't tell if someone likes you more than just 'likes' you, then how can you date?

Yeah, so it's hard for us.

Really, really hard.

So, if you're a boyfriend or husband of a woman with Asperger's, you are pure gold! Believe it or not, we love you so much and we will always know how lucky we are and we will never take you for granted because it probably took us a long time to find someone like you.

My key point in all of this?

Not sure.

I lost my train of thought.

I'm pretty sure that it's patience, though. So, take us with a grain of salt and be patient. And hey, to all you guys who like a girl that you think has Asperger's...don't try dropping hints. It won't work. Just TALK to us and tell us how you feel.

Patience and honesty. It works best for us.

So, despite all of the mines in our minefield, the men in our life can make it a bit easier by talking to us honestly and openly. We'll appreciate it, trust me.