On Personal Space: It's Different For Us

Personal space.  Two small words.  Not a big deal, right?

WRONG.

For a Neurotypical (like you), those two words roughly translate to the comfort-distance ratio of: Acquaintances, 5-6 Ft.; Friends/Family, 0-3 Ft.; Significant Other, 0-3 Ft.

For someone with Asperger's, boys and girls alike, there is an entirely different translation of comfort-distance ratio.  It breaks down to roughly this:
Acquaintances, 10-X Ft.; Friends/Family, 5-X Ft.; Significant Other... you're joking, right?

(please note, all numbers are from the brain of Elise Quackenbush, and do not have any scientific basis whatsoever)

People with Asperger's have a lot of problems with personal space because we have a lot of sensory issues that flare up when people are too close to us. An interesting aspect of Asperger's is that we have a tendency to be easily overwhelmed by outside stimuli, which includes everything from sounds, to smell, taste, touch, and sight. I am a perfect example of this.

Whenever I am around people in a crowded environment, you will find me lingering on the edge of the room...or not in the room at all.  When I have to go to someone's house and it's insanely crowded inside, I will be outside, communing with nature with a snack in one hand and a drink in the other. If it's crowded outside, you will find me inside, spending time on the host's piano and/or with their pets.

 I can tolerate a few people at a time, but I will leave the room when I feel my bubble about to be breached. Neurotypicals have an amazing ability that people with Asperger's envy...the ability to gauge how much physical contact is or isn't appropriate for how well you know the person. I can know someone really well for over three years and still feel incredibly uncomfortable when they go in for a hug. It's not that I don't like them, I do! It's just...a big no for me.

This is how I used to act when someone would give me an unexpected hug...

As a girl with Asperger's, however, I have had to hide my discomfort and learn to deal with it over the years. And when I say "deal with it", I don't mean it in a bad way. I mean, I don't want to offend people by saying, "Please don't hug me, it makes me uncomfortable," so I learned how to respond appropriately.  Now, because I have friends now who are girls and since I'm not particularly adept at saying how much I care for them, I go for the hug. Heck, I'll initiate it, even! I've actually managed to get over it pretty well and haven't had any problems with it going on for several years, now.

This is how I now do hugs!

Now, if you think on what I've told you so far, you might be thinking, "Wait a second. What about significant others?"  Oh, boy.  Well, this is where we veer away from the academia of thought and end up in Elise-ville.

For me, physical expression is something that affects me more strongly than anything else. (Think overload on sensory stimuli!) If a guy hugs me, it's a Big Deal. Capital letters. Over the years, I've learned how to read guys a bit better and I know how to tell which of them are Huggers (they hug everyone), and which of them aren't. That helps me gauge where I stand in my relationship status with a guy; on how often he invades my personal space in relation to how often he invades other people's personal space.

If I like someone, as in, I'm interested enough that I want to possibly date them, I will initiate small touches. It's usually a gentle shove to move them so I can get to something, or a hug to say hello that I wouldn't normally do with other people.

Sometimes, I even go so far as to press fingertips to their hip to move them out of the way. Notice, I only touch when I have to, but I try to communicate with that touch. It's hard for me to gauge, however, if someone has picked up on it. It's very hard. I have had to learn how to flirt using personal space and it's very difficult for someone who doesn't know how to read it very well, such as girls with Asperger's.

In the end, be patient with us.

We may seem cold and aloof, but we're not. We're just very cautious about who we let into our personal space.

You can love us from afar, and we'll still feel it.

We Promise.