So... What's It Like?

Well, let's start from the beginning, shall we?

Hello.  My name is Elise and I have Asperger’s.

Whenever I tell someone about this, I always get the same look and reaction.  “What’s that mean?”

…along with the look that seems to silently say, ‘…and why is this my problem?’  I never quite know how to respond, but I eventually explain, usually in too many words, that it has to deal with how I interact with people.

I only ever tell people about my Asperger’s when I have come to know them well-enough that they are not just an acquaintance.

It is hard to explain because I have been hiding it all of my life without even realizing that that was what I was doing.  I grew up thinking that everyone did what I did.  I had several different personas.  The one at school (the quiet teacher’s pet), the one at church (the silent but dutiful student), the one with my “friends” (funny and sarcastic and short term), and the one at home. The person I am at home is the one that talks too loud, interrupts, and rambles on and on about all of my favorite, geeky, fandom obsessions.  And the one that always hits the punchline wrong.  But it’s the closest thing to the real me that you’ll ever come across.

When I found out that not everyone did this, that was the moment that I realized that I was different.  I was diagnosed several years ago with mild Asperger’s, but I know that I actually have full blown Asperger’s and that I cover it by playing pretend.  As a girl, you learn how to play pretend when you’re a kid…but when you’re an Asperger’s girl, you never stop.

Two words explain it all: it’s exhausting.

 You have no idea how emotionally exhausted we can become, and how hard it can be to connect with people, especially when it comes to dating.

...But I'll leave that for another post.

Socializing is hard enough, but romantic socializing? A minefield of disasters just waiting to happen!  This is why I have started explaining my Asperger's to people that I know that I’m going to be hanging around on a regular basis.  They need to know that I am going to miss a lot of things unless they simply tell me straight out.  

The guys that I know usually take this really well, and seem to find it refreshing to be around a girl who speaks her mind, but sometimes I take it for granted that I can and become a bit too…blunt.  To me, it’s just being able to say what’s on my mind and be honest, but apparently there is still an unspoken barrier that exists that isn’t supposed to be broken...

This makes my personal life practically non-existent, but not extinct.  My healthiest relationships are usually with the people that I meet online.  Online, my filter doesn’t have to exist and it’s a huge relief! …But it also means I lower my options for friends and romantic relationships. But you know what?  It's actually very reassuring!

This way, I know that the people who do stick around, think I'm pretty cool and actually like me for me! That's always a wonderful thing to know.

So, thanks for sticking around long enough to read this post, and I hope you liked my little fandom that I snuck in here.  I'll be doing that a lot, just so you know.

Remember, don't be ashamed of who you are and make sure that the people who you really care about are aware of your filter and it's limits! (of which there usually are none)  This is a perk, whether you or the people around you realize it or not.  You won't lie to them. Honesty is one of the most cherished and rare qualities out there, and Aspie girls have it in spades! Use it as an advantage and strength, not a weakness.

And don't forget...

You're awesome and impressive!