So... What's It Like?

Well, let's start from the beginning, shall we?

Hello.  My name is Elise and I have Asperger’s.

Whenever I tell someone about this, I always get the same look and reaction.  “What’s that mean?”

…along with the look that seems to silently say, ‘…and why is this my problem?’  I never quite know how to respond, but I eventually explain, usually in too many words, that it has to deal with how I interact with people.

I only ever tell people about my Asperger’s when I have come to know them well-enough that they are not just an acquaintance.

It is hard to explain because I have been hiding it all of my life without even realizing that that was what I was doing.  I grew up thinking that everyone did what I did.  I had several different personas.  The one at school (the quiet teacher’s pet), the one at church (the silent but dutiful student), the one with my “friends” (funny and sarcastic and short term), and the one at home. The person I am at home is the one that talks too loud, interrupts, and rambles on and on about all of my favorite, geeky, fandom obsessions.  And the one that always hits the punchline wrong.  But it’s the closest thing to the real me that you’ll ever come across.

When I found out that not everyone did this, that was the moment that I realized that I was different.  I was diagnosed several years ago with mild Asperger’s, but I know that I actually have full blown Asperger’s and that I cover it by playing pretend.  As a girl, you learn how to play pretend when you’re a kid…but when you’re an Asperger’s girl, you never stop.

Two words explain it all: it’s exhausting.

 You have no idea how emotionally exhausted we can become, and how hard it can be to connect with people, especially when it comes to dating.

...But I'll leave that for another post.

Socializing is hard enough, but romantic socializing? A minefield of disasters just waiting to happen!  This is why I have started explaining my Asperger's to people that I know that I’m going to be hanging around on a regular basis.  They need to know that I am going to miss a lot of things unless they simply tell me straight out.  

The guys that I know usually take this really well, and seem to find it refreshing to be around a girl who speaks her mind, but sometimes I take it for granted that I can and become a bit too…blunt.  To me, it’s just being able to say what’s on my mind and be honest, but apparently there is still an unspoken barrier that exists that isn’t supposed to be broken...

This makes my personal life practically non-existent, but not extinct.  My healthiest relationships are usually with the people that I meet online.  Online, my filter doesn’t have to exist and it’s a huge relief! …But it also means I lower my options for friends and romantic relationships. But you know what?  It's actually very reassuring!

This way, I know that the people who do stick around, think I'm pretty cool and actually like me for me! That's always a wonderful thing to know.

So, thanks for sticking around long enough to read this post, and I hope you liked my little fandom that I snuck in here.  I'll be doing that a lot, just so you know.

Remember, don't be ashamed of who you are and make sure that the people who you really care about are aware of your filter and it's limits! (of which there usually are none)  This is a perk, whether you or the people around you realize it or not.  You won't lie to them. Honesty is one of the most cherished and rare qualities out there, and Aspie girls have it in spades! Use it as an advantage and strength, not a weakness.

And don't forget...

You're awesome and impressive!

On Socializing, In General

Socializing.

As a girl with Asperger's, I can tell you that that word terrifies me.  Not kidding. It's like this word that when I hear it, I go, "What? Where? Whowhywhenhow?" ...and then go and hide behind my laptop, under the pretense that I'm checking Facebook for the location of the event and then Google Maps for how far it is, so I'll know when to go.

Conveniently, it'll be just a bit too far away for me to justify going.

"Oh, look at that! It'll cost me..."  (pulls out calculator)  "At least fifteen dollars in gas, and I can't afford that!  Looks like I'll have to stay home.  Bummer."

Pretend to mope for a bit and then pull up Netflix, YouTube, Facebook, Tumblr, Fan Fiction, DeviantArt and Pinterest all in separate tabs on my laptop and start cackling like a mad scientist inside my mind.  Because, you love having the excuse to stay in and see what your online family is up to!  For an Aspie girl, these groups are wonderful!

For me, this is how it breaks down:

Netflix = The friend who will binge watch anything with you, no matter what.
YouTube = The friend who's mind is just as scattered as yours, taking you from talking about kittens to satirical rants to Superwholock videos without batting an eye or judging you.
Facebook = The friend who knows everything about all of your other friends.
Tumblr = The friend who knows your darkest secrets and obsessions.
Fan Fiction  = The friend that you bounce all of your ideas off of, and they think they're all great! (even the insanely stupid ones)
Deviant Art = All of your friends that are the misunderstood artists that you totally envy for their amazing drawing skills...even though you know you're just as good, but you don't have the time or the money to spend on all the art supplies that you'd need.
Pinterest = All of your knitting, sewing, cooking, and srapbooking friends.

So, you see where I'm going with all of this?  Life becomes...sectioned out.  You have the real world, which is a jumbled mess of knots and connections, which you deal with when you have to.  And then you have your safe havens online, which help to keep you from going insane from all of the socializing that you have to do out in the RW. (Real World, in case you're having trouble keeping up)

When you do socialize, in conversations people are talking about things and you're just sort of...

...Feeling awkward.  Unlike at home, where you just interrupt, you don't know how to join into a conversation without ruining the social persona that you're wearing, so you just sort of say nothing and just watch and listen in on a lot of conversations, so you know what's going on more so than other people most of the time.  But, since you're not a gossip, no one knows that you know.

Just because you're brutally honest doesn't mean you don't know how to keep a secret.

You'll stick around for events, but then you end up feeling drained.  Again.

So, you go home and then set about recharging.  Not with food or sleep.  But with your online friends who know you better than anyone.  The ones that you talk to through comment logs and by liking each others posts and favoriting each others stories.

It's probably not the healthiest way to socialize, but hey...it works for you.

So, despite how girls on the Asperger's spectrum can seem to be social butterflies, we're more like social cheetahs.  Good for high energy on short bursts, with a lot of down time afterwards.  We're not being rude, we're just being ourselves, so don't take offense if we need to be alone after we've been with everyone else.

We still love you.

We just can't be around you, right now.

*sending smiles from a distance*

What is Aspergers?

Well, it has to do with not being able to read social cues, such as body language and tone of voice. And for me, it has to do with talking at people.  I am obsessive, I am an escapist, and I have Asperger's.  I won't get into the technical part of it, because, hey, you're online right now, aren't you?  Look it up.  However, I will tell you this:

I am not sick.

I am not a freak.

I am not in denial.

And, no, I am not just trying to get attention.  Far from it, actually.

My brain is just wired...differently.

And you know what, I'm actually pretty proud of it.  My brain works in a way that no one else will quite understand, not even scientists.  At least, not yet.  And I think that that's pretty darn awesome.  I see things in a way that makes the world seem amazing and lets me live my life always wanting to learn something new, and I love that about myself!

I have problems, though, and I won't deny that I can complain.

I mean, really complain.  Just ask my mom.  Life can be really hard for me sometimes and other times it's great, so I've decided that talking about it and speaking up about it will help me cope with it.  So, if it sometimes sounds like I'm talking to a therapist, I probably am.

You.

Yep, you guys.

Kneel down on the floor, because I'm giving you honorary knighthoods and handing you honorary doctorates in psychology.  (Not really, but you get the idea)  If you're reading this, that means you don't want to know the science behind it all, or even the psychology.

If you did, you'd go read some medical journal or online article.  You're here because you want to hear it from the horse's mouth about what it's really like.  Maybe you have a daughter, or a sister, or a wife or girlfriend who has it, and you just want to understand her.  Not control her or tell her that she's just delusional, but you love her enough that you're trying to figure it out.

Or, you're just like me!

If so, then strap in and buckle up.  It'll be bumpy and consistently inconsistent.  I may not remember to update for a couple of months, and then spit out three articles in a week!  I'll try to stay consistent, but please understand if I don't. Feel free to message me, however, and I'll try to respond.

Now...

...off we go!

Into time and space, along with the Winchesters, and the boys from Baker Street!

(...and let the geeky references commence!)